Losing Sleep
by LostGetFound
Summary: Katniss and Peeta lie awake at night and think about their lives, each with only the other in mind; Peeta, two nights before the Quarter Quell and Katniss, five years later.
1. Chasing Pavements

**An angsty chapter (I seem to be writing a lot of those lately) about Peeta's thoughts as he lies in bed two days before the Quarter Quell. Songfic to Chasing Pavements by Adele. I heard this song the other day, and for some reason I felt like I had to write a fic for it. **

** I. Do. Not. Own. These. Books. Or maybe I do in a world where I also meet and fall in love with a hot but intelligent guy, own the Mortal Instruments Series, and never have to go to school again. …In case you hadn't guessed, this world doesn't exist. :(**

Peeta Mellark was a lot of things. He was charming, witty, and strong (despite his artificial leg). He was also completely in love with Katniss Everdeen. Katniss, his "fiancé", would add that he was selfless, great with words, and unpredictable in everything except his feelings for her. In his good moments, he was generally all of those things and more. Now, however, he wasn't feeling witty, charming, or even a little selfless. All he was feeling was depressed.

He was going to lose her, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was opposite of selfless, really, the way he felt. He wanted her. He wanted to wake up every day and find her beside him, knowing that she was there because she wanted to be. In the back of his mind, he had always known that she was only there because it was required of her. Because she wanted the Gamemakers to let them live. It was stupid, but he had actually allowed himself to hope that one day, his dream would come true.

He felt like a fool for ever allowing himself to hope, because the truth of the matter was that Katniss was never going to be his. He wouldn't live long enough to "marry" her, much less make a life with her. One of them had to die in the arena in two days, and he was going to try his hardest to make sure that it was him.

_I've made up my mind,  
>Don't need to think it over<br>If I'm wrong, I am right  
>Don't need to look no further<em>

Peeta wasn't stupid. He knew that there was a good chance Katniss could lose the Games. There was a good chance they would both die in that arena, but between his undying loyalty, Haymitch's guidance, and Katniss's own wits; she also stood a good chance of winning.

Tomorrow was the last day before the 75th Hunger Games. It was the day of interviews, and he had an ace up his sleeve that was sure to merit quite a few sponsors.

Tomorrow, he was going to tell the world that Katniss was pregnant.

He could picture the shock on everyone's face as he made his announcement. They would be outraged on his and Katniss's behalf, hurt that the Capitol could send a pregnant girl off to her gruesome death. It was going to be one big chaotic event, and it was going to work in their favor.

The only thing he had to worry about was Katniss's reaction. Last time he had made an announcement like this, she had shoved him into a vase. And then, his only announcement was that he loved her. Who knew what telling the world that she was pregnant would merit?

Katniss was defensive like that. But as long as she left him well enough to ensure her safety the following day, she could do whatever she wanted.

_This ain't lust,  
>I know this is love<em>

He had known that he was in love with her for a long time. It was an unrequited love that spanned years. She had never even known that he existed until the reaping that had torn both of their lives to shreds.

"We were five. You had on a red plaid dress and your hair… it was in two braids instead of one. My father pointed you out when we were waiting to line up." That memory brought a smile to his face every time. Little Katniss with her braids. She was quite adorable then. If he hadn't been looking so closely, he would have been completely thrown by her transformation for a cute little girl to a hard-faced young woman.

"So that day, in music assembly, the teacher asked who knew the valley song. Your hand shot right up in the air. She stood you up on a stool and had you sing it for us. And I swear, every bird outside the windows fell silent," he had explained. "And right when your song ended, I knew—just like your mother—I was a goner."

_But, if I tell the world  
>I'll never say enough<br>'cause it was not said to you  
>And that's exactly what I need to do<br>If I end up with you  
><em>

He had told all of Panem, Katniss included, of his feelings for her almost exactly a year ago. During his interview, Caesar had asked him if he had a girlfriend back home. In Peeta's eyes, there was only ever one girl worth thinking about, and she wasn't likely to fall at his feet anytime soon.

"There must be some special girl," Caesar had said in an attempt to coax the answer from him. "Come on, what's her name?"

Peeta had only sighed in response. "Well, there is this one girl. I've had a crush on her ever since I can remember. But I'm pretty sure she didn't know I was alive until the reaping."

This was greeted with sounds of sympathy from the crowd. "She have another fellow?" Caesar asked.

"I don't know, but a lot of boys like her." That may have been stretching the truth a bit. In his pursuit of Katniss, Peeta had noticed more than a few boys eyeing her. Mostly, they decided that she wasn't worth trouble. His only real competition was Gale.

"So, here's what you do. You win, you go home. She can't turn you down then, eh?" Caesar said encouragingly.

If only it were that simple. "I don't think it's going to work out. Winning… won't help in my case," he had admitted.

Little did he know, winning would get him Katniss. But only in public and at night. That wasn't the way he wanted her. He wanted to be able to plant a kiss on her without feeling her recoil. Besides, she had chosen Gale over him when she refused to run away.

"Why ever not?" Caesar had been mystified.

Peeta blushed and stammered out. "Because…because…she came here with me."

The cameras had cut to show Katniss's face. Her mouth half open, a hint of a blush covering her cheeks. She had looked as if she might reciprocate his hopeless feelings. All through the Games, she had pretended to. Through some unspoken connection to Haymitch, she had figured out that the charade would help them to survive. Only after the Games did Peeta learn that it wasn't even real on her part.

Every night that she lay beside him, he lay awake wondering. How much of their relationship was real? Was everything she had said and done fake? Did she only take him into her room because of the nightmares? Did she even want him there?_  
><em>

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere  
>Or would it be a waste?<em>**  
><strong>_Even if I knew my place,  
>Should I leave it there?<em>

He could guess where he stood with Katniss, but guessing would get him nowhere. He wasn't exactly sure he wanted to know the answer anyway. For all he knew, his only use to Katniss so far had been helping her survive the wrath of the President and the Gamemakers.

Sometimes, he felt that this whole charade was pointless. There had been uprisings in at least two of the districts, and life for most citizens was only getting worse. Even Katniss's beloved Gale had had to suffer on their behalf. Sometimes, it was all too much.

Throw Katniss into the mix, and it became deadly. Whether she knew it or not, she held Peeta's heart in her hands. He had tried to get over her rejection and become her friend, but even that felt wrong. It hurt every time he looked at Katniss and realized that she wasn't his.

Sometimes it felt like the entire world was falling apart at the seams. Who knew? Maybe it was.

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere_

_I build myself up  
>And fly around in circles,<br>Waiting as my heart drops  
>And my back begins to tingle<br>Finally, could this be it?  
><em>

There were good times with Katniss, times where he felt so happy, he almost forgot about the trials of everyday life. Just the other day, they had laughed over Finnick Odair offering her sugar cubes.

Katniss had put her lips close to his and dropped her eyelids in an imitation of the District 4 contestant. "He offered me a sugar cube and wanted to know all my secrets," She tried to sound seductive but really only managed to sound silly.

"Ugh. Not really."

"Really." She confirmed. "I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling."

"Do you think we'd have ended up like this if only one of us had won?" He had asked in a moment of insecurity. "Just another part of the freak show?"

"Sure." She agreed. "Especially you."

"Oh. And why especially me?" He countered with a smile.

"Because you have a weakness for beautiful things and I don't." Katniss said superiorly. "They would lure you into their Capitol ways and you'd be lost entirely."

"Having an eye for beauty isn't the same thing as a weakness." He pointed out. "Except possibly when it comes to you." Because all of Panem knew that when he had fallen for Katniss, he had hit the ground hard.

The look in her eyes just then was one he wanted to remember forever. It was almost enough to make him forget his troubles.

But the Hunger Games was something you could never completely forget.

_Or should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere  
>Or would it be a waste?<br>Even if I knew my place,  
>Should I leave it there?<em>

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere_

Katniss was lying beside him in bed, her body curled against his. Her face was soft and relaxed, the way it only ever was when she was sleeping. The gentle, almost vulnerable expression she wore looked foreign on her sharp features, but it was adorable all the same. And adorable wasn't normally a word you could use to describe Katniss. Loyal, maybe. Fierce, definitely. But never adorable.

This life had made her that way. He knew that her father had died when she was young, and her mother had completely lost it. Even the stale bread his family lived on was better than the food they were left with. Katniss had become hard and dangerous, a force to be reckoned with, when she had to provide for her family.

The people at the Capitol had done this to them. They made the Games seem like a form of entertainment. They ripped children from their homes and forced them to murder each other for sport. The starving, impoverished Districts were forced to watch as their children were killed before their eyes. The "Victor's" tour was a joke. And not the funny kind. The only Victors in the Games were the ones who orchestrated the whole thing. The horrors they caused were enough to ruin the lives of all of Panem.

Yet, somehow, the people struggled on. They muddled through the pain and the turmoil. Most barely made it.

But then there were ones like Katniss. She had been thrust into a human death match, and not only made it out alive, but saved him in the process. She had emerged strong and sure from the rubble of her old life. If it weren't for how well he knew her, even Peeta wouldn't be able to see the scars and cracks in her armor.

At the moment, her usual shields were gone and she lay vulnerable before him. Her dark hair fell across his arm and the pillow. He had to resist the urge to reach down and stroke her hair. She was beautiful. Striking. And she didn't even know it.

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere_

_Or would it be a waste?  
>Even if I knew my place, <em>

_Should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep on chasing pavements?<br>Should I just keep on chasing pavements?  
>Ohh oh<em>

Katniss deserved to win the Hunger Games. She had so many things left to do. She had her family, she had Gale, and she had millions of adoring fans in the Capitol. But she was also more than that. Katniss was a symbol.

Peeta knew that she had some foolish notion that because Haymitch planned to save her in the first Games, their mentor was supposed to save him this time. Peeta knew that drunk as he was, Haymitch would still see the reason behind helping her to survive. She didn't realize how important she was.

Katniss was the only thing Peeta had. His family had expected him to die in the Games. They had given up on him, and only his father ever came to see him in the Victor's village. His brothers both wanted money for their families, but they didn't care about him. He had lost his leg and almost lost his life in the Games. Even his own fiancé didn't want him.

What was he supposed to do for the rest of his life? Bake cookies? Paint his nightmares for the world to see? Play cards with a drunk Haymitch?

Peeta had nothing left to live for. Katniss, however, had a whole life ahead of her, and he was going to make sure that she lived to win the Games once again, even if it cost him his own life. Unfortunately, he was positive that it was a sacrifice he was going to have to make.

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<br>Even if it leads nowhere  
>Or would it be a waste?<br>Even if I knew my place, _

_Should I leave it there?_

_Should I give up?  
>Or should I just keep chasing pavements?<em>

No, he decided. He wouldn't give up. He would make sure that Katniss lived. And he would probably die trying.

Reaching down to run his fingers through her hair, he gave her one last gentle kiss on the forehead before lying down. Slowly, he felt his worries fade away as he slipped into oblivion. Soon, it would all be over.

_Even if it leads nowhere_

**I know it's not really Hunger Games style, but I thought the song was fitting. Your opinion?**


	2. Hanging On By a Thread

**Hello, people! Hopefully, you read through the first chapter and did not completely dislike it the way that I did. If you liked it then yay! here's a second chapter. If not then hopefully you (like me) will like this chapter better.  
><strong>

**The song _Hanging On By a Thread_ by The Letter Black does not belong to me. **

Everyone she trusted was dead. Her father. Rue. Cinna. Finnick. Prim. Many others who didn't deserve the fate they got. Everyone was dead. Except Peeta.

_My past has followed me and  
>I just can't get away<br>I'm not the same as I was  
>Leaving my disarray<br>_

It was easy. She held the bow, felt it purring in her hand. Placed the arrow, drew the string, and aimed. Let go.

Only the arrow didn't go where everyone was expecting it to, which was a surprise because Katniss never missed. Instead of sinking itself into the chest of ex-President Snow, the arrow flew upwards. It hissed through the air, leaving its target unquestionably dead. She toppled over the side of the balcony and plunged to the ground.

And Katniss didn't blink an eye.

Killing President Coin was easy. People just like her, with the same self-seeking goals and longing for power, had made Katniss into this person. The one who could kill easy and quickly, dispatching her prey as if they were the animals she used to hunt to keep her family alive. It was people like Coin who sent Katniss into that arena. Told her to kill other children or she would die herself. Then, they had sent her back into the arena. As if one time wasn't enough to send anyone over the edge.

How many people had died at the hands of Panem's rulers? Panem's previous ruler sat there, not ten yards in front of her chocking on his own blood as he laughed. It was him she was supposed to kill, but she'd rather let him rot in a cell somewhere. He deserved it.

It was then that the uniformed guards began to converge upon her. It was to be expected; she had, after all, just assassinated their president. The decision had been impulsive, but Katniss had just enough time to think through the after effects of situation. She would probably be interrogated or tortured. Where would that leave her?

So, she pulled out the nightlock pill and tried to swallow it. Only to bite down on Peeta's hand instead. Good old Peeta. Always there to protect her when he thought she needed it. When was he going to realize that she was fine by herself?

He stopped her from killing herself, but even he couldn't stop the hysteria she descended into afterwards.

_Take me just as I am  
>I'm broken down<br>Pull me into your arms  
>I'm hanging on to every word<em>

Katniss, the Mockingjay, the sole symbol of the revolution, wasn't as strong as she appeared. Someone else was always there to pick her up and whisper comforting words in her ear. Most of that time, that person was Peeta. But he wasn't always there; others took the job as well.

When Peeta had been taken prisoner and brainwashed by the Capitol, he hadn't even been able to look at her.

Katniss had thrown herself into anything that would get her mind off of Peeta. The boy with the bread, her rock, had slipped away from her. She wasn't sure if he was ever going to reemerge from the shell of a man he had become. The thought was devastating.

Johanna, a fellow Victor who didn't usually like Katniss, had found a pearl that was given to her by Peeta. "Is this—?" Johanna had asked.

Katniss had really hated talking about him then.

"Haymitch says he's getting better," Johanna reassured her.

"Maybe. But he's changed."

"So have you. So have I. And Finnick and Haymitch and Beetee. Don't get me started on Annie Cresta. The arena messed us all up pretty good, don't you think?"

Okay, so maybe Peeta was the only one who ever _successfully_ comforted her. But others tried.

_Save me from losing myself_  
><em>I'm hanging on by a thread<em>  
><em>Can You see who I am<em>  
><em>Underneath my scars?<em>

Now, five years later, she wished that she could say her time in the arena was nothing but a bad memory. She wished she could say that Peeta got over the brainwashing the Capitol put him through. But though the memories faded, they came back every night in dreams as fresh and real as if they were still happening.

Katniss could see the mutts attacking Cato as clearly as she could see the double bombs exploding on her sister. She knew Peeta still had flashbacks as well. They were married now, for real this time. Peeta was still head over heels for Katniss, but she loved him just as deeply. His kisses and caresses were the only thing that saved her from those ugly nightmares.

Everything seemed so real, so vivid, that sometimes Katniss woke up crying. Those nightmares were the worst. The pain she felt was so intense that sometimes she thought she was dying. Other times she wished that she was.

_I'm afraid to fall  
>So I'm holding on to you<br>No, I won't let go  
>I'm hanging on by a thread<em>

But Peeta was always there now, urging her to stay happy, to stay safe. And nowhere in the world was safer than the comfort of his arms. She clung to him, hoping to forget the nightmares that plagued her.

In his sleep, he shifted closer to her. Subtly, she moved closer as well. She pressed her body to his as he mumbled something almost unintelligible. Leaning down towards him, she could barely make out the whispered words. "Katniss… love… please…"

He turned over restlessly, but Katniss smiled. It always made her smile to know that he was thinking about her. He was her rock, and without him, she would have been crushed by the storms of life long ago.

_I still can hardly believe_  
><em>The person I once was<em>  
><em>I'm trying so hard to change<em>  
><em>Help me work through my flaws<em>

Thinking back, it would be hard to imagine her life without Peeta. She would probably have died quite a few times over without him there to protect her. But believe it or not, there was a time when she hated him. It was brief and not at all deserved, but it was there nonetheless.

He stood before her, chained to the wall. His blue eyes were cold as ice as they first locked on her. He looked wary, suspicious and reproachful. The look was one that had probably never graced Peeta's face in his entire life until the Capitol got a hold of him.

"You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?"

"Well, you've looked better." She replied, ignoring Haymitch's advice through her earpiece to back off.

Peeta let out a coarse laugh. "And not even remotely nice. To say that to me after all that I've been through."

"Yeah." She agreed. "We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me."

It was like the foundations of her world were slowly unraveling, seeing Peeta look at her that way. Even when she had been nothing but horrible to him, Peeta always looked at her with a hint of love.

Whatever love he had once felt for her was gone as he told her that he remembered the incident with the bread. He asked her if she loved him like he had so obviously loved her, but she refused to give a straight answer. It had taken Katniss years to decide between Gale and Peeta, and in the end it wasn't even a choice. Back then, she still hadn't known that it was Peeta who complimented her perfectly. Back then, Gale still had a chance.

"What about Gale?" Peeta asked.

"He's not a bad kisser either." Katniss's anger had built. There were people behind the glass listening to every word leaving their mouths, and none of this was going anywhere except in circles.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" He continued.

"No, it wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission," She told him.

Peeta had laughed again, coldly, dissmissively. "Well, you're a peice of work, aren't you?"

She had left him there. She had run away from him, and it took her a while before she even realized why she was so upset. All those months of taking it for granted that Peeta thought she was wonderful were over. Finally, he could see her for what she really was. Violent. Distrustful. Manipulative. Deadly.

And she hated him for it.

_Take me just as I am_  
><em>I'm calling out<em>  
><em>Pull me into Your arms<em>  
><em>I'm holding on to every breath<em>

Suddenly, Peeta's peaceful slumber changed. He tossed and turned, accidentally hitting Katniss in the process. His nightmare began to take over and he let out a shout.

"KATNISS!"

"It's okay, it's okay!" Katniss reached for his warm body and wrapped him in her arms. "Shhh, Peeta. I'm fine." His eyes flew open and searched around wildly before they fell on her.

"You planning to kill me, sweetheart?"

The words, so like the ones he uttered when she had found him in the mud during their first Hunger Games, immediately had her worrying. Lately, he only said things like that if he was having a relapse and he actually thought she was planning to kill him.

"No, Peeta. We're in District 13. Our home. No one is planning to kill anyone."

He rubbed a hand tiredly over his eyes. "Sorry, it's a reflex."

The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile. "Which one, calling me sweetheart or asking if I'm planning to kill you?"

Just like Peeta was always there for Katniss, she tried to be there for him. He was the only person she had in the world, and she knew that she was all he had as well.

He let out a laugh. A real, genuine laugh. "Both."

Being there for each other meant a lot of things. It meant letting him call her sweetheart. It meant having someone to wake her when the nightmares came. But most of all, it meant never being alone.

_Save me from losing myself_  
><em>I'm hanging on by a thread<em>  
><em>Can you see who I am<em>  
><em>Underneath my scars?<em>

_I'm afraid to fall  
>So I'm holding on to you<br>No, I won't let go  
>I'm hanging on by a thread<em>

After everything was over, Katniss and Peeta had returned to District 13. It had taken a while before either was ready to open themselves up to what was left of their previous sham of a relationship. Peeta was the first one to mention it. He had found her crying in the dark and innocently suggested their old solution to nightmares.

She had jumped at the chance for her first good night's sleep in over six months, but secretly, she had also been glad for another reason. It was a place to start.

Slowly, their tenuous friendship began to evolve. Little gestures, little moments, it all led to something bigger. It didn't take long before Katniss let herself kiss him, for old time's sake. And it was all downhill from there.

Three years after the war they had moved in together. There was no one to tell them no, not when they were war heroes in a sparsely populated town. Less than two months after that, Peeta had proposed, and Katniss couldn't resist the urge to smile just thinking about that day.

Eight months later, here they were. Practically still newlyweds. Safe. Together.

_I'll never need_  
><em>I'll never want<em>  
><em>With you with me<em>  
><em>I'm so complete<em>  
><em>I'll never run<em>  
><em>I'll never hide<em>  
><em>With you right here I'm safe inside<em>

"What is it?" Peeta asked.

Katniss realized she was sitting there in bed smiling like an idiot. "Nothing. I was just remembering."

Hey eyed her curiously for a moment before saying, "Is it something from the book?"

The two of them (and Haymitch when he was sober) had combined their efforts to make a book of everything in their lives they couldn't bear to forget. It had pictures of Finnick and Annie's baby, sketches of fallen tributes such as Rue, notes about Prim. Mostly happy things.

Katniss didn't answer, instead she smiled. "You love me. Real or not real?"

Without a second's hesitation, he replied, "Real. Always real."

"Good. I love you too. You saved me. Real or not real?"

She was referring to one time in particular, the time when she had tried to kill herself after murdering the wrong president. But there were plenty of times to chose from. Peeta wrapped an arm around her and fit her body snugly against his.

"Not real." He said decisively. At her confused look, he laughed. "_You_ saved _me_, sweetheart. I was only returning the favor."

And that was why she loved him. No matter what he had been through or what happened to him, there was something about Peeta that was completely, unchangeably good. He was pure, incorruptible. He was Peeta.

"It's my turn for a question now." He interrupted. "You've thought about what I said yesterday. Real or not real?"

Katniss sighed. This was beginning to become a game between the two of them. Every few weeks he would ask, and every time she would answer the same way.

"Real, unfortunately."

"So I take it you haven't changed your mind?" He asked glumly. She hated doing this to him. If only he would stop asking, she would stop having to tell him no.

"I'm sorry, Peeta, but you know I don't… I can't…"

He wanted children. Plural. Katniss couldn't even bring herself to agree to have one, much less two. Ever since she was younger, she didn't want to marry for this very reason. She couldn't bring a child into this demented world. She couldn't risk losing another person to the fate of children like Rue or her own little sister.

"I know." Peeta said sadly. "You miss them. Real or not real?"

"Real." All too real.

_Save me from losing myself  
>I'm afraid to fall<br>So I'm holding on to You  
>No, I won't let go<em>

_Save me from losing myself  
>I'm hanging on by a thread<br>Can You see who I am  
>Underneath my scars?<br>I'm afraid to fall  
>So I'm holding on to You<br>No, I won't let go_

Living with Peeta was easy most of the time. He painted, she hunted. She brought home food, he baked. But something was missing from their lives. Deep down, Katniss knew that Peeta was right. Though, it would take almost ten years for her to admit it to herself, he would get what he wanted.

Until then, she would distract herself from thoughts of the past. She would stay busy. And despite the nightmares and other troubles, both she and Peeta would stay happy.

_I'm hanging on by a thread_


End file.
